Tuesday, January 24, 2012

"So in a world dominated by the digital the metronome I listen to beats inside of my chest." - Blueprint

I express in pictures more than words recently. I used to write novels in my head while walking to and from places--arrange ideas in the form of stories and anecdotes to illustrate events. But now words are replaced by images that clutter my meaning and make my tongue feel like lead. Why can't I just say what I mean?

Some schools make you write a thesis in order to complete your Masters. The Luskin School makes you do a project. I'm not there yet, thankfully, but I am standing at the precipice of what comes immediately before. I'm staring down into an ocean of summer internships and have somehow managed to forget how to swim.

I got into this program because of my personal statement. I wrote something provocative, personal, and poignant. I made myself different and I knew I would stand out. No one had my story. No one could tell it the way I could. I was impossible to forget or lose in the piles of applications. I was the statement you went home and talked to your wife or husband about because it struck you as being a mixture of all the characteristics you enjoy in the heroes of your favorite novels. But I did it in a a few paragraphs.

I need to do that again. I need to write my story in a way that appeals to my readers in a very specific way. But every time I put something down on paper I feel like I've just vomited ink all over it. I hate everything I come up with. It's too sarcastic, or too judgmental; too emotional or too involved to feel sincere. I think what I'm really looking for is my sincerity. I need to rediscover a way of being honest about my experiences, even when they are on subjects that I try not to think about. Maybe especially when they're on the subjects I try not to think about. After all, those are the stories people like to hear. Those are the stories that set me apart.

I've read examples of what people have written in the past and it has occurred to me that maybe I'm setting my bar too high. Most of the statements lack insight and inspiration. They're flat and informative in that way of giving people your basic components without really letting them know anything about you. All of those people managed to obtain internships in the past. Maybe I'm worrying too much.

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